Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet