After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
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People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.