I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
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ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus