We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.