9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
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When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”