(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My only stock options are chicken and beef.