Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
There is no “ea” in Tim.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.