I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?