[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
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Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?