Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
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Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Happy thanksgiving!
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*