Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?