Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“i miss shittin on people”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.