When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
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Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Merica.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”