I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
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Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat