Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
You Might Also Like
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan