I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
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Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
thanksgiving in nutshell
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Anime is real
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.