I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
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Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.