reviewed some movies recently
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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Based Erika
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”