Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
You Might Also Like
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays