Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
i baked you a cake
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
One venti cheeseburger please.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys