My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
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Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons