They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
You Might Also Like
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed