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me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
i think both sides are to blame here
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*