Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.