Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
#SaturdayBears
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.