My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Battery falling down a hole
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I think this should do it.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.