Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
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*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
any last words?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.