me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
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If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-