Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
You Might Also Like
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…