[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Festive toon…
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I need to update my racial profile.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah