Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
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[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I think this cat is broken
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF