I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
unbelievably distressed by this ad
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.