Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your âcloud of suspicionâ
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I donât think he ever deleted his profile
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Children look up to me. They say âHey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?â
Will you đđ meow meow đđ me?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
âCanâŚcan you just stand still?â the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Is âMonkey Breadâ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: theyâre well known for their gooey naan.
her: whatâs gooey naan?
me: nothing much whatâs goinâ on with you?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.