[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.