The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Ah..makes sense now
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave