If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
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When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.