I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Fluff me with a fork baby
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.