Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
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the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
A leaf blower, but for people.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.