Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
#oldknees
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me