It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
You Might Also Like
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.