Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
You Might Also Like
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF