Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently