In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Some people were born into their job.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Mhm.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
#Caturday
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol