MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
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Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.