I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
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Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.