Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
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Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*