“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~