behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
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me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Solving a traffic jam
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”