Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
You Might Also Like
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.