Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?